An Open Letter from UniDaily to the PM

Dear Mr. Prime Minister,

We wanted to write to you to simply tell you how impressed we all are of your abilities. You are consistently able to face the noise and yet come out untouched. This particular skill is  both inspirational, motivational and truly trendsetting. As the leader of our great country and the person we all look up to. We have decided to learn from your ways and possibly do exactly what you do in order to garner the success you seemed to have achieved by hardwork and questionably great morals!  Here are the top 5 reasons why we love you….

At Number #5

Lord Ashcroft claimed you put your penis into a dead pigs mouth whilst at University as part of your secret ritual. I mean, who hasn’t done that. As a fresher, the things we had to do to become part of the society where crazy but as a future PM, you just had to do what you had to do. What was more impressive is how you dealt with the #Piggate scandal. Truly genius. To be able to show up the next day in parliament and brush the pork right off your shoulder… was truly inspirational. I believe you need to talk more about how to keep a straight face when everyone is getting their wires crossed about your private relationships with Pigs. Forget Clinton v Lewinsky.. Cameron v Pigwhisky sounds much better!

At Number #4

PLUS! You cut tax credits, which had an impact on the poorest families in Britain this is something which, on the Question Time Leaders’ Special before the election, you said this will never happen!!
Under your leadership, child poverty rose by half a million. That’s just amazing because as you know these kids are not the future so why should we really care about children? Just remembered, did you once forget your own 8 year old kid in the pub? Anyway, i digress…  You also, went on to introduce the disgusting bedroom tax, which has made life harder for thousands of people – especially those who are disabled. Well, as long as it makes you smile/laugh when you sleep at night. What exactly is the problem?


At Number #3

You showed your #ThugLife status by going head to head with the youths of Britain. Basically,  you went from giving hugs to a hoodie to you can’t care less… To empathise with people from a poor background is a complete and utter ‘No’. You introduced a “living wage” which is only for the over-25s, and it was a great day to hear that you cut maintenance grants for the poorest students and allowed universities to raise tuition fees. Students now come out of Uni with over £50,000 in debt by the time they are 21. Complete payback for all the hoodies that didn’t hug you when you gave them a chance too. Universities should only be strictly reserved for the wealthy. That’s fair enough…. Isn’t it?

At Number #2

A few hours ago, there was a protest calling for you to resign. More than 150,000 people have taken onto the streets of London . They are clearly protesting on issues concerning Health, Homes, Jobs and Education. The People’s Assembly who put on this show of unity are calling for an end to austerity, and demanding that you quit over the revelation that you profited from from your father’s offshore investment fund. But, knowing you… You will laugh out loud at the People’s Assembly. They can protest all they like…as far as you are in control…. they have no choice but to follow what you say and do.. That’s the new democracy..

At Number #1

The perfect ability to control the media in such a way that, what we are actually talking about above is 5% of what is actually going on because if the public actually knew what was really going on or dare we say the other 95%. I think people will not only call you Doggy Dave. They’ll, forget the name calling and vote for impeachment. But, how will that happen? Never! That’s why David Cameron..we salute you and if it’s pig you want for Christmas.. The Pig is what you will get for Christmas.